Lemons into Lemonade

Growing up I've always dreamed about a sweet, affectionate, charming little girl.  When the doctor told me at my first ultrasound that I was having a boy, I was dumbfounded.  It's not what I had pictured or dreamt about.  Even my sister, Heidi who accompanied me to the appointment reassuringly quickly said, "Michelle, a boy is good too!" She was right! Cooper is that little boy who steals my heart almost daily with his Godly spirit and sensitive ways about him.  It's indescribable to realize that God knew just what I needed more than I thought I knew. What a joy that boy is!

So when I was pregnant with baby #2 I just knew things felt different those first 20 weeks and I wasn't surprised that God was blessing us with a girl ... "YES, I knew it!" is what I was saying inside.  I had rearranged my dreams about a girl when Cooper was born, for sure he was rewarding me with my sweet princess little girl now.

For the first two and a half years of Allie's life she was exactly the opposite of what I had pictured, what I had dreamt and what I had wanted.  She was a sourpuss of a baby, hardly ever smiled, never seemed to enjoy cuddling, she seemed so selfish and honestly it was a struggle to accept her for who she was.  How hard is it for a baby to be happy?  I was doing all the right things as a parent and I am such a happy person.  How on earth can I cope with a sourpuss?  It was excruciating when people would comment on Allie's demeanor or try to catch her eye and she would frown at them.  This happened weekly for several months and I dreaded going shopping.  Inside I wanted to say, "I know! Isn't she a sourpuss! Let me tell you how devastating it is to not be able to make your own baby smile."

Allie was delayed in every milestone.  Therapy began at 14 months old and still the sourpuss remained.  I began to accept that she saw 'the glass half empty' but that I wouldn't allow her to steal the joy of life from Lee, Cooper or myself.  I could easily cope with a disability, but a kid who had no spark of joy? Now that seemed like a bigger challenge.  God knew right what I needed - yet again!  A new challenge .... Genuinely accept and love someone who by all outward expressions seems to be indifferent to your love and acceptance.  Once I understood that this was the lesson I had to learn in order to grow it became less frustrating.  All the comparisons to other toddlers her age flew out the window.  She loved trains like Cooper and threw dolls like pieces of trash.  She never cried when I left her with a babysitter or in the nursery at church.  She was just a person all unto herself.

No big birthday party for Allie when she turned 3 in February, I just couldn't bear an unhappy scene.  Although she was developing a happier demeanor and coming along in her milestones I didn't want to fool myself into thinking, "Wow, she's really doing so much better!"  Friends and her teachers would also comment on the progress she was making after she turned 3.  Still I refused to let myself believe that the little girl I had so desperately wanted was transforming.  I was protecting myself and being realistic.  How could a 3yr old sour lemon turn into sweet refreshing lemonade when for 3 years she had proved who she was?

Last weekend we were at a birthday party for our neighbors  3 yr old little girl.  Allie is 3 and a half now.   She was so thrilled to say, "Happy Birthday Maisy", she was in awe of the Dora cake, bright eyed about the jump house, eager for Maisy to open her presents, dancing, singing, just loved being at the party.  I was thinking, "Yeah, Allie you are doing so good today!" At that same moment a dad of one of the teenage girls at the party turned to me and said, "She is precious ... what a spark and excitement she has for life!  She is so happy about everything!" Teary eyed I tried to comment back but all that came out was, "Thank you - that really means a lot to me".

God knew I needed a complete stranger to confirm that I did have the little girl I had always dreamt about and that sometimes life is sweeter if you think you have a lemon and then get surprised by the miracle of refreshing sweet lemonade.  I don't know how this transformation took place, but only by God's grace. Refreshing lemonade only requires lemons, water, sugar and some ice. Looking back, I wouldn't have changed the growth I've had to experience.  But that's the strange part of it .... it's never up to us! We have to trust that God is driving... he knows exactly what we need at every stage of this journey even if we have to grimace at the taste of a lemon for awhile!